1

U.S.—A new online wedding registry will allow same-sex couples to choose which Christian florist they plan to sue and permanently put out of business as they celebrate their union. The registry, called ASSIMIL8, provides gay couples with a list of business owners whose privately held personal beliefs may reflect traditional Christian views on marriage. The […]


. . . finish reading New Registry Allows Engaged Same-Sex Couples To Choose Which

Read More
Christian Florist To Put Out Of Business.


1

BILOXI, MS—In an effort to make the flier for an upcoming potluck “really pop,” Grace Baptist Church secretary Ethel Rutherford carefully selected every single font mankind has ever invented to use on the flier’s various headings and details, sources confirmed Friday. When complete, the church flier contained just over a half-million different typefaces, including several variations of […]


. . . finish reading Church Secretary Caref

Read More
ully Selects Every Font Known To Man For Potluck Flier.


1

FRANKLIN, TN—Maintaining his decades-long daily routine, popular author, speaker, and financial advisor Dave Ramsey enjoyed a morning dive Friday into his home vault filled with envelopes of money he has carefully budgeted over the years, members of his immediate family confirmed. Ramsey reportedly opened his secure vault clad in nothing but a swimming trunk, goggles, […]


. . . finish reading Dave Ramsey Enjoys Morning Dive Into Vault Filled With Budgetary

Read More
Envelopes.


1

LONG BEACH, CA—Unable to fully control his rapidly increasing array of supernatural powers, faith healer and prosperity preacher Benny Hinn accidentally launched an audience member hundreds of feet into the air at a healing service Wednesday evening. According to those who witnessed the harrowing event, Hinn was attempting to heal the man of his chronic […]


. . . finish reading Benny Hinn Loses Control Of Powers, Sends Audience Member Soaring

Read More
Hundreds Of Feet Into Air.


1

IRVINE, CA—According to sources close to local man Alan Carter, the believer in Christ exhibits absolutely no evidence of being saved, from the time he wakes up each morning until the moment he has his morning cup of coffee at his local coffee shop. Observers claim the committed Christian is totally unrecognizable as a follower […]


. . . finish reading Local Believer Shows No Evidence Of Salvation Before Morning Coffee.


1

OTTAWA, IL—Dave Furyk, introvert and regular attendee at Granite Waters Church, has never thought of himself as a hero—but that’s exactly what he’s being called by onlookers who witnessed him stage a brave, quiet rebellion against turning and greeting his neighbor during service Sunday morning. When the worship leader finished playing “Open the Eyes of My […]


. . . finish reading Hero: This Man Refused To Turn To His Neighbor And Say Good Morning.

Read More
b>


1

TANZANIA, AFRICA—A team of short-term missionaries from Sovereign Christ Reformed Church recently returned from sub-Saharan Africa, having successfully provided a remote Tanzanian village with safe, clean craft beer to drink, sources confirmed Wednesday. The missionaries delivered 20 kegs of top-shelf brew and then spent several weeks teaching village elders how to brew dark porters, hoppy […]


. . . finish reading Calvinist Missionaries Provide R

Read More
emote Village With Fresh, Clean Craft Beer Supply.


1

AUGUSTA, GA—Staunch complementarian man Dwayne Albright confirmed Wednesday that he has generously given his wife a homemade coupon redeemable for the voicing of one of her opinions as a thoughtful Valentine’s Day gift. “Here you go, my love,” Albright reportedly said as he revealed the coupon he had crafted using red construction paper and markers. […]


. . . finish reading Complementarian Man Gifts Wife Coupon Good For Voicin

Read More
g One Opinion For Valentine’s Day.


1

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—A long-awaited update to Gary Chapman’s bestselling book on marriage and relationships, The 5 Love Languages, at long last has revealed the official sixth love language to be giving an aggressive back rub to one’s spouse while in church, the author confirmed Wednesday. The updated book, entitled The 6 Love Languages, will be available this […]


. . . finish reading Giving Back Rubs In Church Revealed As Sixth Love Language.

Read More

1

SACRAMENTO, CA—Numerous reports Tuesday indicated that local woman Margaret Reynolds’ husband surprised her at work with a large, expensive set of gifts for Valentine’s Day, yet she amazingly neglected to post a picture of the presents on Facebook or any other social media network. Sources close to Reynolds confirmed that she received a “humongous” teddy bear, two dozen […]


. . . finish reading Woman Gets Great Gifts For Valentine’s

Read More
Day, Does Not Post Them On Facebook.